anything goes, anymore.

Actual conversation held via telephone with an actual library patron:

Me: Hello, *Library Patron, I'm returning your call regarding some fines you wished to discuss.

LP: Yes! Thank you for getting back to me. I heard you were just on maternity leave. Is today your first day back?

Me: Oh, yes...

LP: That's hard. It's hard, isn't it? Is this is your first? Or your second? Or third?

Me: Uh, my first...

LP: I have FIVE.

Me: Wow...

LP: Yes. That's why I'm talking to you on the phone. I was going to wait for you, I was waiting at the library for you to get back from lunch, but my son pooped his pants. You understand.

Me: Oh...okay. So, I'm looking at your record...

LP: Yes, I returned some items late. It's totally my fault, but I wanted to see if you could reduce some fines for me. Are you breastfeeding?

Me: (confused) Erm, yes.

LP: Do you need a double pump? I mean, you NEED one. Do you have one?

Me: (derailed) Uh... (unable to think on feet) I have one...

LP: Oh good. I know I returned that movie really late. I'm just hoping that you can do something for me. Are you doing your Kegels?

Me: ...........!?!?!??!!??!?!

LP: Because you really need to keep up with them. It's so important. (ernestly) I wish I had been more diligent about them. (intimately) You know what I mean.




*name has been changed to protect the over-sharer.